Not all negative emotions are unhealthy, yet we desire to be rid of all negative emotions.  If we were able to get rid of them, would we have to also forgo the positive emotions?

We are emotional beings.  We feel.  We respond to our experience.  We laugh.  We cry. We get angry.  When we experience a loss, we are sad.  When we engage in those activities that bring pleasure, satisfaction or meaning we are happy.  Sometimes we get depressed and sometimes we are joyful.  Romantic is fun and passion is deep.

It is only natural that we experience negative emotions when things do not go our way or something takes place that is “bad” (at least bad in our estimation).  Just like when our nephew (whom we love), hits a homerun is it natural to feel joy and excitement.  You can’t have one without the other.

We would do well to accept the negative emotions and manage them by paying attention to the meaning we assign the related  experiences – even the experience of the emotion itself.  We frequently make erroneous assignments of meaning by concluding that  events are un-overcomeable, un-survivable or rate ourselves or others are worthless.  These assignments of meaning result in unhealthy negative emotions, such as: morbid depression, raging or vengeful anger, guilt, anxiety or fear.

Let the healthy negative emotion be a motivator to pursue more of where you find satisfaction, meaning and joy in life as opposed to spending your energy in trying to make it go away or thinking something is wrong with you, because you are not ecstatic all the time.  Then you will be able to more fully feel and appreciate the wonderful positive emotions that are within your grasp.

Yesterday, I was blessed by someone who unexpectantly paid for my lunch!  What a surprise when the waitress informed me that mine was paid.  What a great way to brighten someone's day!  There is something about reaching out to bless someone that tends to result in a blessing for the giver, as well.  Hey, don't get me wrong - it was sure nice to be on the receiving end yesterday!

As a therapist, it is with some frequency that I recommend that people attempt to find ways to add value to the lives of others knowing that they will find a blessing in it.  Isn't it interesting, however, that the ones who tend to receive the biggest blessing are those who are not looking for one?  As you know from my last blog about self-worth, being on the positive end of external events is about what you are worth to others and not much of anything about self-worth.  Since we generally like being valuable to others, random acts of kinidness can be a marvelous way for us to do just that.
Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Matthew 22:38-408 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.  40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

It is very easy to become self-absorbed, but we would do a wise thing to think of ways to be a blessing to those around us. We will find that our own issues seem much less when we rech out to our fellow travelers in this world and theirs may seem more manageable, too.  88.7 The Cross radio station has been encouraging Random Acts of Kindness and even has little cards that can be passed on to someone you wish to bless (http://kbmq/org).  Bless someone today with a kind word, a smile, a helping hand, or even lunch!  Let's make our little section of the world a better place.

We frequently confuse these three concepts by treating them as they are one.  We have a tendency to desire significance therefore we seek benchmarks which may come from several different directions (parents, friends, work setting, etc.).  These various sources seem to frequently speak to "what we are worth to others" more often than not.  Accomplishments and praise are indicators of how we are valuable (another word for "worth") to others, but have nothing to do with self-worth - how we are valuable to ourselves.

It would be nice for us to somehow avoid totally the rating of ourselves, but I find people have a hard time doing that without some explanation of the difference in how we are valuable to ourselves and how we are valuable to others.  We often make the erroneous conclusion that they are the same and if we fail to accomplish as much as our neighbor or fail to garner the praise from significant others in our lives; then we conclude that we are have little to no self-worth to the detriment of our wellbeing as these desires are totally dependent upon the degree someone else values us and/or what we can do or cannot do that is valuable to them.  Therefore, it is very important for people to make this distinction.

Human beings are valuable to themselves in that they have the ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to
benefit them. (No one else can make choices for you; therefore, this ability and responsibility cannot be measured or compared to other people.  It is one's own responsibility.)

We generally use "self-esteem" interchangeably with "self-worth" but to esteem something means that there is an appreciation, a recognition of the value.  Not being a jeweler, I cannot fully appreciate the value of precious stones.  Not being an artist, I cannot fully appreciate the value of art.  We watch television shows like Storage Wars, Pickers and Pawn Stars and see that there are times people simply had no idea how valuable items were that they had.  The value is there; it just was not previously recognized.  When people are asked to stop rating themselves and only rate their behavior, they have a hard time separating the behavior from themselves; thus, end up rating themselves.  With this distinction I am attempting to make in these three concepts, I have found people much more able to see the difference and know that no matter what their circumstances; they are able to make choices that have the potential to benefit them.  This is empowering.  They are more easily able to reject the labels that they and others have assigned them.

The more one intentionally and purposefully uses their self-worth, the more they will come to appreciate it; thus, increasing their self-esteem!

In no way do I want to down play being valuable to others, because most of us have a desire to be valuable to others; but let's not confuse that with how we are valuable to ourselves.  We can do for others and do for others and they still chose to reject or negatively label us.
 
I welcome comments or questions!  This may be different than you have thought about it before, but give this perspective a try and see what you think.