Mark S. DeBord, LCSW, LLC
  • Home
  • Therapeutic Approach
  • Forms
  • Rates
  • Contact
  • Counselor's Corner
  • Links & Resources

Couple Principles - Part IV

8/19/2012

0 Comments

 
Principle:  If you do not tell your partner what it is that you desire, you cannot expect that they will know.  Therefore, this is a responsibility that you have.
We often assume that they know what we want or if we have told them before that they know.  Sometimes it takes several times and several methods to communicate your desire in order for your partner to get it.  Before you think that too unreasonable, know that the same holds true with you - in other words, your partner sometimes has to communicate to you their desire several times and in several methods for you to get it!
And please let's put that unrealistic and irrational belief to bed that if you have to tell your partner what you want and then they do it, it really doesn't mean anything.  WRONG!  It might just mean that they love you.  After all, love is wanting the best for someone and being willing to take action to see that they get it.. 

Principle:  Couples are happiest when each is doing many of the things the other desires (Paul Hauck).
We are all motivated by "what's in it for us".  If both partners are taking this attitude toward one another, each is much more likely to be satisfied with the relationship.
0 Comments

Everything Has Spiritual Significance

8/16/2012

0 Comments

 
In Behavioral Health the relationships and interactions of our "thinking", "emotions" and "behaviors" are often discussed as a way to explain how we might make psychological changes in our lives.  These are indeed important and need attention.  However, the spiritual is often ignored.  See the diagram below for a picture of how the spiritual encompasses everything and affects our thinking, emotions and behavior.  Everything has spiritual significance!                    Spiritual - Psychological Diagram
View my profile on LinkedIn
0 Comments

Couple Principles - Part III

8/14/2012

0 Comments

 
Creating a vision for your relationship is a motivating and connecting process.  March 17, 2012 I wrote about sharing hopes and dreams.   It could be out of those conversations that you develop that vision with your partner.  It may be helpful to formally write a vision statement, but it is at least worth having an actual “vision” (picture in your mind) of where you are and where you want to go with your partner.  This “vision” is collaboratively developed and shared if it is going to have the “connecting” quality.  Otherwise, it is just YOUR vision.  It does not have to be developed all at once and can change over time.

You cannot experience that vision without your partner, so it takes both of you doing everything you can to make it real, regardless of what
the other person is doing (note: assumes no abuse/ violence).  One of the things a vision does is help you stay focused.  Remembering the vision helps when conflict arises.  It keeps the focus on the prize as opposed to who might win a particular argument or successfully defend a position.  Ephesians 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Thinking of each other as a team, going after the same goal is important to the success of your relationship.  Having just finished the Olympics, just think how a successful relay team or volleyball team relies on one another.  Each will bring a different set of skills, but if one member judges another member to be less “worthy” and therefore determines to put less effort into winning, the team will surely have no success.   Colossians 3:23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

So, create a vision with your partner and use it to keep the team on track and you will experience many successes together.
0 Comments

Couple Principles - Part II

8/4/2012

0 Comments

 
Principle: Each partner is responsible for their part of the solution regardless of how the other behaves.  One will never think things are fair and balanced, so the rule is to continue to do your part to make the relationship work regardless of the other’s actions.

Luke 6:31  Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you determine your level of commitment based upon your judgment of your partner's level of commitment, it will not be long before you are not doing your part and will find yourself very disappointed, blaming the other.  So, you are responsible for 100% of your part - loving, honoring, and cherishing - no matter what.  This may sound like a hard rule, but it is the best opportunity for YOU to be satisfied/ happy.  Doing otherwise does not protect or serve you in any way.

Note:  The "no matter what" above assumes that there is no abuse/ violence.  When that is part of a relationship, the abused partner may  do the most loving thing by incorporating physical distance for protection and to disallow the abusing partner from having the opportunity to abuse.
0 Comments

Couple Principles - Part 1

8/1/2012

0 Comments

 
Principle:  The management of one's emotions is a huge advantage to making a relationship work.
It is not necessary, however, to wait to have your own emotions PERFECTLY under control before you do everything you can to make your relationship successful.  None of us are perfectly managed ourselves!  When there is conflict or a strong negative emotional reaction within you related to your relationship, first check your own attitude.  You will come out ahead if you take the high road and treat your partner with loving kindness regardless of how you think they treated you.
1 Thessalonians 5:15
Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.
Ephesians 4:32
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Principle: “Perception” does not equal “truth”.  It may be truth to you, but it is not necessarily an objective, snapshot of reality.
Just because you "see" things a certain way does not mean that is exactly how it is and it certainly does not mean that is how your partner "sees" it or intended it.  We tend to interpret events based upon our beliefs, experiences and predispositions.  We would do well to question and challenge those interpretations when they do not serve our best interests in the long run.

Principle: The happiest couples are those that are made up of two emotionally healthy individuals who elect to share their lives together.
 
If you are going to be sharing your life with someone, it pays to be kind!
0 Comments

    Author

    Mark S. DeBord, LCSW, LLC
    COMMENTS ARE WELCOME, BUT NOTE THAT YOUR NAME WILL APPEAR, SO YOU MAY WANT TO USE INITIALS OR ONLY FIRST NAME, ETC.

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral Health
    Christian/ Spiritual
    Inspiration
    Relationships

    Archives

    December 2023
    July 2023
    July 2022
    August 2021
    April 2021
    December 2019
    December 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    July 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    August 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.