How I have not written about this previously, I cannot imagine. I was reminded recently on a number of occasions how we tend use the words “feel” and “think” interchangeably. Often, semantics (concerned with meaning or significance of words and the effect they might have with various audiences) is given a bad rap in that one might dismiss the use of words with the common phrase, “Oh, that’s just semantics!”.  However, words are powerful! The old saying of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is such a myth! Any one of us knows that words can hurt and sometimes can do as much or more damage as the sticks and stones.

That being the case, we handcuff our mental health and may think of ourselves as “stuck” when we assign the word “feel” to some conclusion we have drawn; because when we see the conclusion as a feeling, we stop doing anything on our own behalf – after all, “that’s just the way I feel”. Common things we might have said or heard: I feel like a failure, I feel that I am not good enough, I feel like I am stuck, I feel like I should ____________ (fill in the blank), etc. All of these are thoughts, conclusions which can very well be questioned and modified to a more accurate, healthy way of thinking.

Simplistically: feelings are visceral, internal and thoughts are more the consideration of facts, evaluation of circumstances and logical or illogical conclusions.

We all have preferences about things and tend to feel good when those preferences are met. Examples of this are when we feel happy, content, or satisfied.  When those preference are not met, we tend to feel bad. Examples of this are when we feel sad/depressed, concerned/anxious, irritated/angry, or remorse/shame.

We are all in process of becoming; therefore, are never failures as we always have the potential to make decisions that provide opportunity for things to turn around or to find some satisfaction and meaning in life. We are never actually stuck as we have the ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us – this is how we are valuable to ourselves. Yes, life will involve pain, but it can also be quite beautiful, full of wonder, excitement and meaning.

As you enter this New Year of 2024, make some effort to pay attention to distinguish between your thoughts and feelings. When you find yourself feeling “stuck” for instance, ask yourself if you are indeed stuck or is this a painful feeling related to a painful circumstance. Feel deeply and experience a broad range of emotions, but pay attention to the thoughts that prompt such feelings and make an effort to think in healthy fashion – more truth and accuracy. In any and all circumstances, you have the ability and responsibility as to how you will respond (think) and the choices you will make.

Happy New Year!

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”
                                Ecc 1:2
Most of us look for meaning in our lives. This seems to be consistent with existential philosophical thought. When people do sense meaning in their lives (sense that they matter) they tend to do better and be more satisfied with life in general. When we are experiencing times of transition we tend to re-evaluate and re-define what that meaning looks like in the new situation. Depressed? Find what is satisfying and meaningful. Anxious? Find security in the Creator of the Universe. There are too many unexplainable things that go on in the world and trusting God is how I have found to tolerate the uncertainty. God loved us first and chose us, but we are expected/ given the freedom to participate. It is in the participation that benefit and meaning are realized.

We all have a God given ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us (inherent self-worth). The most important choice is for Jesus and all the following choices involve living out the Biblical “commands”/ principles which are designed for our good – beneficial guidance for living. So, whether in self-reflection, mindfulness, sorrow or celebration it is our essence to live in recognition and under the authority of our Creator. The sooner in life we realize this truth the better, but any time is the right time!
How does one pursue happiness/ contentment? In non-judgmental, self-acceptance one uses their self-worth and chooses to engage in satisfying and meaningful activity that will only be fully realized in following Jesus. The most important things in life are spiritual and everything has spiritual significance.
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We can wear ourselves out studying and searching for the meaning of life, but the writer of Ecclesiastes has summed it up.
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.
Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.
                                Ecc 12:12b-13

We tend to get even more self-centered than usual when things are going well and just act as if we are fully responsible for obtaining this fortunate situation.  Then we convince ourselves that we deserve even more of this ease and good fortune, so we make choices that promise immediate results and we conclude that we are immune to the consequences.  We may be choosing to satisfy an immediate desire, even a natural desire, but often those short-sighted choices have longer term negative consequences; however, it is only after suffering those consequences that we think or say, “Why did I do that? I knew that was not going to be good!”  It seemed like a good idea at the time, because we had concluded that we were large and in charge!

Consider the principle: we cannot have this without that and we cannot have that without letting go of this.

When things are not going well, we may conclude that we are hopelessly incompetent and that conclusion then removes any motivation to even try and that leads to nowhere good.  We may even purposefully make choices that we suspect will lead to difficulty in order to punish ourselves as somehow we will prove our incompetence or unworthiness.  We will punish ourselves, in other words.  Throwing caution to the wind like this can be rather dangerous and leave lasting scars.

Concluding that we are hopelessly incompetent is also a false conclusion.  We are neither “all that” nor are we “nothing”.  We all have a God-given ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us and the more purposefully we use that ability for our good and the good of others, the more long-term benefit.

So, it is in our nature to sabotage ourselves when things are going well and when things are not going well – but humans are a higher order of living creation and are spirit/soul and are able to choose to oppose our nature for a better state.  Sure, we want to be in comfort, want to put out least amount of effort, and want the quick relief.  When we take that to the extreme it is easy to see that it does not work in the long run – it is tempting, because it does work right now – yet, if we opt for the most convenient food and drink we become unhealthy, if we opt for the least amount of physical exertion we become weak, if we opt for the least effort in our education we miss out on being able to appreciate the mysteries and beauty of creation, and if we opt for the least effort in work we find ourselves unsatisfied and lacking financial means to maintain even our life of comfort.

Al Ellis (psychologist) said that we all (none of us are immune) have a tendency to think and act in an unhealthy and a healthy manner – this is largely the difference in looking for a short-term solution vs longer-term solution.   This does not mean that some things cannot work in both the short-run and long-run, but too often the short-term fix leads to more problems; therefore, it bears being mindful when making choices (using your self-worth).

We will enjoy the journey of life more when we neither think of ourselves as “all that” nor “hopelessly incompetent” – simply accept yourself while continuing to learn and grow more each day!  Consider this:
Not by might, nor by power, but My spirit says the Lord of Hosts – Zech 4:6
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. – Col 3:23-24
When we take this spiritual outlook, we rely on God’s working in our life and we realize our true purpose which then gives life meaning.  With that perspective we are much less likely to self-sabotage.

“As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God” – 1 Peter 4:10

Service is not always something highly esteemed or a position eagerly sought after.  However, it is a position to which we might wish to give more consideration.  It is generally accepted in behavioral health that it is personally beneficial to be helpful to others; it is desirable to have the ability to understand another person’s perspective (empathy) and to be compassionate to others.  Yet, it seems we people are becoming more and more divided.  The differences are less the problem than our demand to defend a position to the point of verbally (at least) destroying people who disagree.  If one so believes in their truth, there is no need to destroy the opposition.  That is not a particularly effective strategy in convincing another anyway.

There are a couple of things I found compelling in the verse above.   One, that it refers to “EACH“ of us – meaning ALL of us people.  Two, that each “HAS received a SPECIAL gift”.  Three, that gift is to be used in service of others.  Four, that gift was given by the grace of God.

Too often people do not see the value in themselves whether that is their value to themselves or to others.  When that is the case, they tend to be rather angry and certainly do not seek to use their gifts to serve one another.  If they do, they often serve as a method of receiving which many times ends in disappointment.  If we serve as unto the Lord, the reaction of others in the short run is less disturbing. The service is most beneficial when performed for the inherent value of serving – keeping the big picture and long run in mind which involves adding value to the world by using our God-given gifts to make the world a better place.  Although it is paradoxical, this approach is how we people are going to do better individually and collectively.

Behavioral Health professionals and their clients tend to spend much of their time on the problems (which may be defendable), but it might be that we would do well to spend time looking for what is right with us.  If we spent more time looking for what is right with ourselves and in each other, we might find it easier to find commonality and seek ways to serve one another.  This approach has promise, in my opinion, to narrow the divide and increase connection.  We can agree to disagree while respecting each other as each having a special gift.

Service is an ACTION.  It involves DOING.  Doing is better than stewing (paraphrase of an Albert Ellis quote).  Doing (behavioral activation) is commonly recommended as a way to relieve depression.  Another commonly known phrase is “be the change you want to see”.

Let 1 Peter 4:10 ring true for you.  Recognize that God gave you a gift – likely many!  Find some way to serve others and add value to your life, theirs and the world.

(Please refer to earlier thoughts about anger dated 10/08/13; 10/20/13; and 11/23/13.

The purpose of anger is to energize us to the degree necessary for us to address a perceived wrong.  This is the healthy anger vs. the unhealthy anger that prompts us to respond in ways that are not within our legitimate authority and are designed to harm others.  It is in the unhealthy anger that we create more problems for ourselves and others and do not appropriately address the actual wrong.

​We have all heard that we need to think before we act, but we rarely are told what to think!  I suggest the following:

1. ​Is this worth my energy?  Some things just are not.  We cannot address all the wrongs in the world.  We are far from perfect ourselves and the world is certainly not a perfect place.  If it ​is not worth the energy, let it go and focus on pursuing other worthy goals.  If it is worth the energy, go to #2.
2. Do I have the legitimate authority to address this?  Often we do not.  Other times our legitimate authority is limited. If it is not within your legitimate authority, then let the energy go and pursue other worthy goals.  If it is, then go to #3.
3. What is the best way for me to respond within that legitimate authority?  Remember your goal is to address a wrong and sometimes your response will not get the desired result, so do not take responsibility for what is not yours and it is not your responsibility for others to act well, fairly, etc.

Remember: You only need enough passion as is necessary to legitimately address the wrong and when you have done what you can do, let the energy go and pursue other worthy goals.

Generally, people are motivated by a “what’s in it for us” attitude which means that in order for us to make changes in our lives, whether that it to stop a behavior or to pursue a behavior, a connection/ awareness of potential benefits is critical.  All too often we are aware of the short-term benefits and less aware of the long-term benefits.  Short-term benefits can over time lead to increased problems or at least a shallow or hollow result – an example might be spending money outside one’s budget on routine basis in order to satisfy a variety of desires where there is immediate gratification, but over time debt overshadows that gratification and results in financial stress.

Motivation does not have to be something provided by someone or something outside ourselves and one’s poor behavior or dissatisfaction in life is not the result of someone else failing to provide motivation.  When motivation is viewed in this manner, such as one who is waiting for a raise at work in order to be motivated to do a good job or one who is waiting for their spouse to act a certain way before making efforts to love well, it can become an excuse for poor behavior placing the responsibility on others.  Indeed, external factors do often provide motivators for people, but these motivators are generally temporal.  Increased income, for instance, may be a motivator; but, generally that motivation dissipates rather quickly once obtained.

Motivation is not something that one has to wait on to show up.  Exploring what is important in life and making decisions about values is an evolutionary process as people experience life with their eyes wide open.  In other words, as people experience life on purpose, they tend to refine and revise their beliefs/ values as they collect information and understanding and try out ideas.  This is the maturation process in action.  Too often people live on automatic pilot just doing what others expect, rebelling against what others expect or just doing what they have always done.  This tends to result in a general dissatisfaction and disillusionment with that pursuit of happiness.  The more one behaves in keeping with their chosen values, the more in sync with themselves they feel.  People who are feeling out of sync with themselves often have not understood the power they have to make those value choices and to continually evaluate the long-term benefits. When one lives with the attitude that the world and others must anticipate and then provide desires and goals (that may not have even been fully acknowledged or articulated) they set themselves up for continual disappointment.

If you are feeling somewhat unmotivated, this is a great time of the year to make some decisions to evaluate/ re-evaluate your beliefs/ values and make some choices about how you might live those out in the coming year.  Ask what is important to me?  If you have trouble identifying those, you might do a Google search on values and beliefs to spark some thoughts.  Ask others you admire about their values and what serves as motivators for them.  Try some things out and approach this self-discovery as an interesting journey/ quest with the long-term goal of finding greater satisfaction and meaning in life.