Mark S. DeBord, LCSW, LLC
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Good Grief, It's the Holidays

12/9/2018

3 Comments

 
Holidays are often times people are reminded of losses in their lives and therefore, would rather skip all the festivities as they tend to focus on only the loss. I always wondered how I would handle personal grief around loss of a parent and now I am finding out.  I was blessed with a great mother who died September 28, 2018.

Loss is difficult. Grieving is difficult. How does one go about grieving anyway? Some years ago (1969) Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced the concept of Stages of Grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This moved us forward in terms of accepting that grief was a natural, normal process of living after loss. It also encouraged people to talk about the loss more than secretly hurting.  What we now know is that not all people go through all the stages, not all go through in that order and many of us revisit some of those stages. There is not a single process or way to grieve.  Nor is there a precise timeline.  Grieving is a uniquely individual journey.
I have come to appreciate that most benefit from “actively” grieving. What I mean by that is there are specific, intentional activities that help us grieve. These may include, but not be limited to:
  • Just sitting being mindful of what that person meant to us
  • Looking through pictures that remind us what that person was all about
  • Talking with someone about that person
  • Doing something you used to do with that person in their honor
  • Continuing those activities that were important to both of you (e.g. church, friends, grandchildren, etc.
  • Continuing something they used to do in their honor (e.g. volunteer work)
  • Journaling about that person
  • Reading things they may have written or singing/listening to songs they liked
  • Placing some reminder (maybe subtle, even, such that others may not notice) that brings a smile or warm feeling
I am sure that there are many other things, but these are concrete activities vs. just expecting the hurt to go away. Be careful not to try to get it all in at once.  It is generally better to take it at your own pace while taking time to recall the other aspects of life that are meaningful and/or hold potential meaning and value.
A common myth is that the hurt goes away in time. You never “get over” the loss, but you can come to a place where your loss experience is integrated into a new reality and you pay less attention to the hurt and more attention to the new meanings and other aspects of life that continue. You may choose even after years pass to spend some time purposefully grieving, but it is generally best to limit that time and remind yourself that you were blessed to have had the experience. Ultimately, I do think it is helpful to honor the memory of those we have lost by recalling what it is their life meant to us and commit to sharing with others those characteristics, qualities, values, etc.
Another myth is that if I am not depressed about the loss, then it is dishonoring to the person lost.  On the contrary, it is more honoring as they would want a good life for you and would want your life to be encouraging and supportive to other loved ones.  Additionally, I believe as long as God leaves you here, there is something God wants you to do.  Victor Frankl (psychiatrist/author who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning in 1946 having been an Auschwitz concentration camp survivor) said that “Life until its very end is meaningful …..”
This Christmas, please don’t miss the joy of Jesus and don’t miss the opportunity to let those you love know what they mean to you.
3 Comments
Debbie T
12/9/2018 07:15:18 pm

Beautifully written! Words of encouragement that remind us that grief is normal and unique and thankfully has an end.

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Jeanette Wilbanks
12/9/2018 07:18:06 pm

Very insightful. I’ve lost loved ones and I know your message will be very helpful to someone who has had a recent loss.
Thank you for sharing.

Reply
Carissa Collum
12/11/2018 11:01:47 am

Great message, I think grieving is a personal experience and is veey different for all of us. Merry Christmas

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