Quote from Madame Secretary Season 4, Episode 21.  (Although the context for the quote is in political, when I heard this it reminded me that the principle applies in many relationships.)
 
“I believe in this work.
In diplomacy, if you don’t lay the right groundwork or say things in the right way,
Your message just doesn’t get through.
Wars have broken out over simple misunderstandings or lack of respect.”
 
When we consider our parenting, even our own spouse and other important relationships; keeping the big picture in mind is helpful as we communicate.  First, it is important to believe and remember that we believe in the higher priority of the relationship – “Higher than what?”, you ask. – most anything!  It is too easy to get caught up in our own world of concerns and forget to pay attention to what matters most.  Maybe it is a minor infraction by our child and we angrily raise our voice – what is communicated is anger, disrespect, and disregard – what was intended was to address the infraction in love to minimize the likelihood of it happening again; thus, maintaining the relationship.

Laying the groundwork is an ongoing effort that includes spending quality time, conversating, expressing appreciation and value over time.

True, there is no perfectly right way to say a thing and one cannot be responsible for the way someone interprets the communique; but it is important to make an effort to be tactful, respectful and speak in a normal volume without “snacasm” (snarky and sarcastic), disgust or down-grading expressions.  It is helpful to communicate your love and care as your primary intention as this is the foundation of the relationship – then ask for what you want realizing you cannot demand it – the other person, even a child, has a will of their own.  If that will is broken, the relationship will be broken.

Don’t let a simple misunderstanding or lack of respect be the undoing of those things that are most important – relationships.

Note: There may be good reasons to break a particular relationship, even close family relationships; but we would do well to be the one that seeks to understand, who is respectful even when imposing boundaries such that we are not the main reason for someone to breakoff relationship with us.

Reconciliation is a process of restoring a relationship – bringing the parties back into a “right” relationship.  This is an often misunderstood concept, especially by those who like to think of themselves as moral.

Reconciliation involves forgiveness which is the letting go of the perceived right to punish or apply a sanction for a perceived wrong suffered.  An easy example is if I owe you $5 and you say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s fine!” I no longer owe you $5.  You have forgiven the debt.  In relationships, violations are not as concrete, but the principle still applies.  Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself and the other person(s).  You can forgive all by yourself and without an apology being offered.  Here is where the misunderstanding comes.  Often people think that they have not forgiven, if they have not reconciled; but the two processes are very different.

Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation involves both parties.  In order to restore a right relationship, the violating party has to apologize and commit to different behavior in the future.  Then it is possible for the wronged party to agree to renegotiate the relationship with a forgiving attitude.  Without the renegotiation the reconciliation is superficial and likely will not last as the two parties do not have an agreed upon standard of behavior which makes them more vulnerable to further conflict and disappointment.

Sometimes, there is a violation or series of violations that rise to the level of being a “deal breaker” in terms of reconciliation.  Take, for example, an employee who continually fails to follow policy.  That employee may apologize over and again, but at some point that employee will lose his opportunity to work in that business – forgiveness may occur, but reconciliation does not.  This can actually be a “loving” act, because otherwise the message is sent that it is okay to continually ignore policy.  By applying the sanction and deciding not to reconcile, you may be doing that person a favor by giving them the opportunity to learn a better pattern of work behavior.  Sometimes, once the two parties begin their negotiations, one may determine that they are unable to come to terms that are satisfactory.

So, just because one forgives, reconciliation does not have to happen.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

We often tell our children this lie in an attempt to soften the hurt when someone has spoken cutting words about them.  We may even have attempted to believe it ourselves when someone has spoken ill of us. But, we don’t do our children or ourselves any favors by trying to turn bad behavior into good or even neutral. At least one of the reasons we would do well to own up to the truth that it hurts when people speak venom concerning us is that we may then also believe that it is okay for us to speak venom against others, because after all words don’t really mean anything.

Words are, of course, important as they represent concepts, thoughts, emotions, intentions, etc. Although, I would be the first to defend
that it is up to us individually and personally to determine/ choose what we believe, how we interpret even the nastiest of things said of us and how we then respond; it hurts and hurts badly when we are disrespected, talked down to, ridiculed, teased, made fun of, put down, called names, and criticized.

If words can be so hurtful, they can also be very healing.   You probably can think of a time when someone said something particularly nice or complimentary when they did not have to and remember how good that felt. Again I will say that what others think is just that – what others think.  It is not the basis of our self-worth or even necessarily an accurate representation of our performance.  However, kind words and validating comments do feel good and can be motivating and add to our general sense of well-being, because we do tend to want to be accepted and appreciated by others.

So, where is this going, you might be wondering?  We need to think of this from the angle that we can influence and that is how we treat other people.  Why don’t you choose to say something kind, validating, uplifting, complimentary, loving, appreciative, or affirming to those you meet and especially those with whom you live?  You will be glad you did!

Principle:  If you do not tell your partner what it is that you desire, you cannot expect that they will know.  Therefore, this is a responsibility that you have.
We often assume that they know what we want or if we have told them before that they know.  Sometimes it takes several times and several methods to communicate your desire in order for your partner to get it.  Before you think that too unreasonable, know that the same holds true with you - in other words, your partner sometimes has to communicate to you their desire several times and in several methods for you to get it!
And please let's put that unrealistic and irrational belief to bed that if you have to tell your partner what you want and then they do it, it really doesn't mean anything.  WRONG!  It might just mean that they love you.  After all, love is wanting the best for someone and being willing to take action to see that they get it.. 

Principle:  Couples are happiest when each is doing many of the things the other desires (Paul Hauck).
We are all motivated by "what's in it for us".  If both partners are taking this attitude toward one another, each is much more likely to be satisfied with the relationship.

Creating a vision for your relationship is a motivating and connecting process.  March 17, 2012 I wrote about sharing hopes and dreams.   It could be out of those conversations that you develop that vision with your partner.  It may be helpful to formally write a vision statement, but it is at least worth having an actual “vision” (picture in your mind) of where you are and where you want to go with your partner.  This “vision” is collaboratively developed and shared if it is going to have the “connecting” quality.  Otherwise, it is just YOUR vision.  It does not have to be developed all at once and can change over time.

You cannot experience that vision without your partner, so it takes both of you doing everything you can to make it real, regardless of what
the other person is doing (note: assumes no abuse/ violence).  One of the things a vision does is help you stay focused.  Remembering the vision helps when conflict arises.  It keeps the focus on the prize as opposed to who might win a particular argument or successfully defend a position.  Ephesians 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Thinking of each other as a team, going after the same goal is important to the success of your relationship.  Having just finished the Olympics, just think how a successful relay team or volleyball team relies on one another.  Each will bring a different set of skills, but if one member judges another member to be less “worthy” and therefore determines to put less effort into winning, the team will surely have no success.   Colossians 3:23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

So, create a vision with your partner and use it to keep the team on track and you will experience many successes together.

Principle: Each partner is responsible for their part of the solution regardless of how the other behaves.  One will never think things are fair and balanced, so the rule is to continue to do your part to make the relationship work regardless of the other’s actions.

Luke 6:31  Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you determine your level of commitment based upon your judgment of your partner's level of commitment, it will not be long before you are not doing your part and will find yourself very disappointed, blaming the other.  So, you are responsible for 100% of your part - loving, honoring, and cherishing - no matter what.  This may sound like a hard rule, but it is the best opportunity for YOU to be satisfied/ happy.  Doing otherwise does not protect or serve you in any way.

Note:  The "no matter what" above assumes that there is no abuse/ violence.  When that is part of a relationship, the abused partner may  do the most loving thing by incorporating physical distance for protection and to disallow the abusing partner from having the opportunity to abuse.

Principle:  The management of one's emotions is a huge advantage to making a relationship work.
It is not necessary, however, to wait to have your own emotions PERFECTLY under control before you do everything you can to make your relationship successful.  None of us are perfectly managed ourselves!  When there is conflict or a strong negative emotional reaction within you related to your relationship, first check your own attitude.  You will come out ahead if you take the high road and treat your partner with loving kindness regardless of how you think they treated you.
1 Thessalonians 5:15
Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.
Ephesians 4:32
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Principle: “Perception” does not equal “truth”.  It may be truth to you, but it is not necessarily an objective, snapshot of reality.
Just because you "see" things a certain way does not mean that is exactly how it is and it certainly does not mean that is how your partner "sees" it or intended it.  We tend to interpret events based upon our beliefs, experiences and predispositions.  We would do well to question and challenge those interpretations when they do not serve our best interests in the long run.

Principle: The happiest couples are those that are made up of two emotionally healthy individuals who elect to share their lives together.
 
If you are going to be sharing your life with someone, it pays to be kind!