How I have not written about this previously, I cannot imagine. I was reminded recently on a number of occasions how we tend use the words “feel” and “think” interchangeably. Often, semantics (concerned with meaning or significance of words and the effect they might have with various audiences) is given a bad rap in that one might dismiss the use of words with the common phrase, “Oh, that’s just semantics!”.  However, words are powerful! The old saying of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is such a myth! Any one of us knows that words can hurt and sometimes can do as much or more damage as the sticks and stones.

That being the case, we handcuff our mental health and may think of ourselves as “stuck” when we assign the word “feel” to some conclusion we have drawn; because when we see the conclusion as a feeling, we stop doing anything on our own behalf – after all, “that’s just the way I feel”. Common things we might have said or heard: I feel like a failure, I feel that I am not good enough, I feel like I am stuck, I feel like I should ____________ (fill in the blank), etc. All of these are thoughts, conclusions which can very well be questioned and modified to a more accurate, healthy way of thinking.

Simplistically: feelings are visceral, internal and thoughts are more the consideration of facts, evaluation of circumstances and logical or illogical conclusions.

We all have preferences about things and tend to feel good when those preferences are met. Examples of this are when we feel happy, content, or satisfied.  When those preference are not met, we tend to feel bad. Examples of this are when we feel sad/depressed, concerned/anxious, irritated/angry, or remorse/shame.

We are all in process of becoming; therefore, are never failures as we always have the potential to make decisions that provide opportunity for things to turn around or to find some satisfaction and meaning in life. We are never actually stuck as we have the ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us – this is how we are valuable to ourselves. Yes, life will involve pain, but it can also be quite beautiful, full of wonder, excitement and meaning.

As you enter this New Year of 2024, make some effort to pay attention to distinguish between your thoughts and feelings. When you find yourself feeling “stuck” for instance, ask yourself if you are indeed stuck or is this a painful feeling related to a painful circumstance. Feel deeply and experience a broad range of emotions, but pay attention to the thoughts that prompt such feelings and make an effort to think in healthy fashion – more truth and accuracy. In any and all circumstances, you have the ability and responsibility as to how you will respond (think) and the choices you will make.

Happy New Year!

Proverbs 26:17 Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.

We know Proverbs to be “wisdom” literature. Indeed, there is much wisdom in Proverbs! This verse caught my attention recently as it seems that often people try to insert themselves when it would be wise to stay out of it. This is most clearly true when it comes to arguments or disagreements between friends or family and one of the parties asks for your input! It may be best to simply refrain from voicing your opinion unless the disagreement poses danger to someone. Then maybe it’s worth the risk to intervene. However, I would suspect this is more the exception than the rule.
This may also apply to situations when people think another adult needs our advice and they have not asked for it! (It’s a parent’s job to give advice to their child.) If it is important enough to share your thoughts on such a topic, it is best to do so in a non-judgmental manner – in other words, share your thoughts in an attitude of wanting the best for that person, leaving them to do what they will with the information. You may even share the information just as your preference or what you would like to see in a non-demanding way. Ultimately, they have to be responsible for their own decisions.
Another situation is with gossip. Two or more people are discussing someone who is not present and giving opinions and advice, usually negative, concerning their activities or actions. Be careful to avoid being judgmental.
So, don’t go grabbing the ears of stray dogs! It may keep you from getting bitten!

Isn’t it strange that men care so much about this brief life and so little about eternity?! – Gail DeBord

Luke 13:5b “….unless you repent, you too will all perish.” (NIV)
John 10:10b I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. (The New King James)
John 14:2-3 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” (NIV)

Isn’t it strange that men care so much about this brief life and so little about eternity even when the price of our admission has been paid in full?

(Based on Dad’s sermon titled: Keep Out of the Fire! – Luke 16:19-31)

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”
                                Ecc 1:2
Most of us look for meaning in our lives. This seems to be consistent with existential philosophical thought. When people do sense meaning in their lives (sense that they matter) they tend to do better and be more satisfied with life in general. When we are experiencing times of transition we tend to re-evaluate and re-define what that meaning looks like in the new situation. Depressed? Find what is satisfying and meaningful. Anxious? Find security in the Creator of the Universe. There are too many unexplainable things that go on in the world and trusting God is how I have found to tolerate the uncertainty. God loved us first and chose us, but we are expected/ given the freedom to participate. It is in the participation that benefit and meaning are realized.

We all have a God given ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us (inherent self-worth). The most important choice is for Jesus and all the following choices involve living out the Biblical “commands”/ principles which are designed for our good – beneficial guidance for living. So, whether in self-reflection, mindfulness, sorrow or celebration it is our essence to live in recognition and under the authority of our Creator. The sooner in life we realize this truth the better, but any time is the right time!
How does one pursue happiness/ contentment? In non-judgmental, self-acceptance one uses their self-worth and chooses to engage in satisfying and meaningful activity that will only be fully realized in following Jesus. The most important things in life are spiritual and everything has spiritual significance.
​
We can wear ourselves out studying and searching for the meaning of life, but the writer of Ecclesiastes has summed it up.
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.
Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.
                                Ecc 12:12b-13

Narcissism has been talked about a great deal in recent years. No one aspires to narcissism. Finding the balance or sweet spot of self-acceptance without being either narcissistic or self-deprecating can be a challenging process.

​Let’s face it, none of us is fully competent and adequate in all things and at all times. When we fail at something or even many things, we can conclude that we are worthless when it simply means we are not thoroughly competent in all things.  We do best when we are able to rely on one another and interact interdependently so our various skills can be pooled. Social-interest involves living morally and protecting/ respecting rights of others which is useful in reaching more of our own goals. Stepping on others or looking down on others will backfire on us in the long run; so, self-interest and social-interest are compatible.

So how might we arrive at that unconditional self-acceptance? Recognizing that we are fallible human beings and yet have a built-in, God-given ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us (my definition of self-worth). From a spiritual perspective, making a choice for Jesus is the most important decision one can make. All other choices have to do with obedience to Him. It is in relationship to Jesus that we can fully and unconditionally accept ourselves as there is no condemnation in Jesus and an abundance of grace/ forgiveness to cover our fallibility.

March 21, 2021, our Pastor, Michael Wood, proposed some questions that can help us know when we are living in humble submission and in total reliance on God:

1. Is this what God would have for me and am I leaning on Him vs my own understanding?
2. How does this decision line up with God’s Word, the Bible?
3. How does this decision position me to “See To It” that no one misses the grace of God?
4. In seasons of difficulty, am I trusting my ability to get out of it or am I depending on God to get me out (in His time and way)?

When we recognize that we are fallible humans who are loved by God we can accept ourselves while humbly relying on Him to direct us in our decision making without thinking too much of ourselves or too little of ourselves. If we treat others similarly as fallible humans loved by God, we will be more inclined to treat others well (a reflection of our love for God) which helps us all get along better in this life.

Psalm 139: 13-14
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

​Christmas is full of planning and gift giving.  How fun it is to receive a gift that was carefully planned and chosen by someone who loves you.  I recall one such gift from “Santa” when I was in about the third grade – a Spider Mark VII bike with a tiger striped banana seat!  It was great for “popping wheelies”!  I delivered many newspapers on that bike a few years later.  Life was good!

It may be at least as fun to carefully consider a gift selection for someone you care about that required significant cost (time and/or money). Then seeing the joy on their face when they receive it lets you know it was worth it!  As you think about gifts this Christmas, remember the Creator of the Universe planned well in advance the Greatest Gift of All (Isaiah 7:14; Isaiah 9:6 and Isaiah 53:1-12).  This gift of the Messiah, Jesus, provided for all of us the opportunity for a full, abundant life - Our BEST life, now and forever (John 10:10).

What we do with that gift makes all the difference in the world. God in His Holiness cannot ignore sin and none of us live up to our own standards all the time, so we certainly do not live up to God’s (Romans 3:23).  Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” The good news is that God had planned from the beginning that Jesus, The Lamb of God, would pay the debt on our behalf (Romans 5:8).  All we have to do is receive the gift (John 1:12) and follow Him (Romans 6:18).

​This Christmas don’t miss the Greatest Gift of All!

Quote from Madame Secretary Season 4, Episode 21.  (Although the context for the quote is in political, when I heard this it reminded me that the principle applies in many relationships.)
 
“I believe in this work.
In diplomacy, if you don’t lay the right groundwork or say things in the right way,
Your message just doesn’t get through.
Wars have broken out over simple misunderstandings or lack of respect.”
 
When we consider our parenting, even our own spouse and other important relationships; keeping the big picture in mind is helpful as we communicate.  First, it is important to believe and remember that we believe in the higher priority of the relationship – “Higher than what?”, you ask. – most anything!  It is too easy to get caught up in our own world of concerns and forget to pay attention to what matters most.  Maybe it is a minor infraction by our child and we angrily raise our voice – what is communicated is anger, disrespect, and disregard – what was intended was to address the infraction in love to minimize the likelihood of it happening again; thus, maintaining the relationship.

Laying the groundwork is an ongoing effort that includes spending quality time, conversating, expressing appreciation and value over time.

True, there is no perfectly right way to say a thing and one cannot be responsible for the way someone interprets the communique; but it is important to make an effort to be tactful, respectful and speak in a normal volume without “snacasm” (snarky and sarcastic), disgust or down-grading expressions.  It is helpful to communicate your love and care as your primary intention as this is the foundation of the relationship – then ask for what you want realizing you cannot demand it – the other person, even a child, has a will of their own.  If that will is broken, the relationship will be broken.

Don’t let a simple misunderstanding or lack of respect be the undoing of those things that are most important – relationships.

Note: There may be good reasons to break a particular relationship, even close family relationships; but we would do well to be the one that seeks to understand, who is respectful even when imposing boundaries such that we are not the main reason for someone to breakoff relationship with us.

We tend to get even more self-centered than usual when things are going well and just act as if we are fully responsible for obtaining this fortunate situation.  Then we convince ourselves that we deserve even more of this ease and good fortune, so we make choices that promise immediate results and we conclude that we are immune to the consequences.  We may be choosing to satisfy an immediate desire, even a natural desire, but often those short-sighted choices have longer term negative consequences; however, it is only after suffering those consequences that we think or say, “Why did I do that? I knew that was not going to be good!”  It seemed like a good idea at the time, because we had concluded that we were large and in charge!

Consider the principle: we cannot have this without that and we cannot have that without letting go of this.

When things are not going well, we may conclude that we are hopelessly incompetent and that conclusion then removes any motivation to even try and that leads to nowhere good.  We may even purposefully make choices that we suspect will lead to difficulty in order to punish ourselves as somehow we will prove our incompetence or unworthiness.  We will punish ourselves, in other words.  Throwing caution to the wind like this can be rather dangerous and leave lasting scars.

Concluding that we are hopelessly incompetent is also a false conclusion.  We are neither “all that” nor are we “nothing”.  We all have a God-given ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit us and the more purposefully we use that ability for our good and the good of others, the more long-term benefit.

So, it is in our nature to sabotage ourselves when things are going well and when things are not going well – but humans are a higher order of living creation and are spirit/soul and are able to choose to oppose our nature for a better state.  Sure, we want to be in comfort, want to put out least amount of effort, and want the quick relief.  When we take that to the extreme it is easy to see that it does not work in the long run – it is tempting, because it does work right now – yet, if we opt for the most convenient food and drink we become unhealthy, if we opt for the least amount of physical exertion we become weak, if we opt for the least effort in our education we miss out on being able to appreciate the mysteries and beauty of creation, and if we opt for the least effort in work we find ourselves unsatisfied and lacking financial means to maintain even our life of comfort.

Al Ellis (psychologist) said that we all (none of us are immune) have a tendency to think and act in an unhealthy and a healthy manner – this is largely the difference in looking for a short-term solution vs longer-term solution.   This does not mean that some things cannot work in both the short-run and long-run, but too often the short-term fix leads to more problems; therefore, it bears being mindful when making choices (using your self-worth).

We will enjoy the journey of life more when we neither think of ourselves as “all that” nor “hopelessly incompetent” – simply accept yourself while continuing to learn and grow more each day!  Consider this:
Not by might, nor by power, but My spirit says the Lord of Hosts – Zech 4:6
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. – Col 3:23-24
When we take this spiritual outlook, we rely on God’s working in our life and we realize our true purpose which then gives life meaning.  With that perspective we are much less likely to self-sabotage.

“As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God” – 1 Peter 4:10

Service is not always something highly esteemed or a position eagerly sought after.  However, it is a position to which we might wish to give more consideration.  It is generally accepted in behavioral health that it is personally beneficial to be helpful to others; it is desirable to have the ability to understand another person’s perspective (empathy) and to be compassionate to others.  Yet, it seems we people are becoming more and more divided.  The differences are less the problem than our demand to defend a position to the point of verbally (at least) destroying people who disagree.  If one so believes in their truth, there is no need to destroy the opposition.  That is not a particularly effective strategy in convincing another anyway.

There are a couple of things I found compelling in the verse above.   One, that it refers to “EACH“ of us – meaning ALL of us people.  Two, that each “HAS received a SPECIAL gift”.  Three, that gift is to be used in service of others.  Four, that gift was given by the grace of God.

Too often people do not see the value in themselves whether that is their value to themselves or to others.  When that is the case, they tend to be rather angry and certainly do not seek to use their gifts to serve one another.  If they do, they often serve as a method of receiving which many times ends in disappointment.  If we serve as unto the Lord, the reaction of others in the short run is less disturbing. The service is most beneficial when performed for the inherent value of serving – keeping the big picture and long run in mind which involves adding value to the world by using our God-given gifts to make the world a better place.  Although it is paradoxical, this approach is how we people are going to do better individually and collectively.

Behavioral Health professionals and their clients tend to spend much of their time on the problems (which may be defendable), but it might be that we would do well to spend time looking for what is right with us.  If we spent more time looking for what is right with ourselves and in each other, we might find it easier to find commonality and seek ways to serve one another.  This approach has promise, in my opinion, to narrow the divide and increase connection.  We can agree to disagree while respecting each other as each having a special gift.

Service is an ACTION.  It involves DOING.  Doing is better than stewing (paraphrase of an Albert Ellis quote).  Doing (behavioral activation) is commonly recommended as a way to relieve depression.  Another commonly known phrase is “be the change you want to see”.

Let 1 Peter 4:10 ring true for you.  Recognize that God gave you a gift – likely many!  Find some way to serve others and add value to your life, theirs and the world.