Generally, people are motivated by a “what’s in it for us” attitude which means that in order for us to make changes in our lives, whether that it to stop a behavior or to pursue a behavior, a connection/ awareness of potential benefits is critical.  All too often we are aware of the short-term benefits and less aware of the long-term benefits.  Short-term benefits can over time lead to increased problems or at least a shallow or hollow result – an example might be spending money outside one’s budget on routine basis in order to satisfy a variety of desires where there is immediate gratification, but over time debt overshadows that gratification and results in financial stress.

Motivation does not have to be something provided by someone or something outside ourselves and one’s poor behavior or dissatisfaction in life is not the result of someone else failing to provide motivation.  When motivation is viewed in this manner, such as one who is waiting for a raise at work in order to be motivated to do a good job or one who is waiting for their spouse to act a certain way before making efforts to love well, it can become an excuse for poor behavior placing the responsibility on others.  Indeed, external factors do often provide motivators for people, but these motivators are generally temporal.  Increased income, for instance, may be a motivator; but, generally that motivation dissipates rather quickly once obtained.

Motivation is not something that one has to wait on to show up.  Exploring what is important in life and making decisions about values is an evolutionary process as people experience life with their eyes wide open.  In other words, as people experience life on purpose, they tend to refine and revise their beliefs/ values as they collect information and understanding and try out ideas.  This is the maturation process in action.  Too often people live on automatic pilot just doing what others expect, rebelling against what others expect or just doing what they have always done.  This tends to result in a general dissatisfaction and disillusionment with that pursuit of happiness.  The more one behaves in keeping with their chosen values, the more in sync with themselves they feel.  People who are feeling out of sync with themselves often have not understood the power they have to make those value choices and to continually evaluate the long-term benefits. When one lives with the attitude that the world and others must anticipate and then provide desires and goals (that may not have even been fully acknowledged or articulated) they set themselves up for continual disappointment.

If you are feeling somewhat unmotivated, this is a great time of the year to make some decisions to evaluate/ re-evaluate your beliefs/ values and make some choices about how you might live those out in the coming year.  Ask what is important to me?  If you have trouble identifying those, you might do a Google search on values and beliefs to spark some thoughts.  Ask others you admire about their values and what serves as motivators for them.  Try some things out and approach this self-discovery as an interesting journey/ quest with the long-term goal of finding greater satisfaction and meaning in life.

There have been many benefits to stretching your body listed/ discussed on the many health and wellness websites and in the fitness publications:                (these are in no particular order)

• Increased flexibility
  
  
• Reduces likelihood of injury
  
  
• Reduces back pain
  
  
• Improves balance and coordination
  
  
• Increases energy level
  
  
• Improves circulation
  
  
• Improves posture
  
  
• Promotes relaxation and stress relief
  
  

Stretching is beneficial at all ages!

From a behavioral health perspective, “stretching” in our lives is important.  We can become stuck in our routine and get more sedentary which places us at risk of physical, cognitive and emotional decline.  Major Depression is the leading cause of disability in the United States for ages 15-44.  The statistics vary depending on the agency, survey and type of survey; but, about 8% of the US population experience clinical depression in a given year.  Lifetime prevalence is often reported around 20% - percentage of all people who will experience clinical depression at some time in their life.

There are effective treatments for depression, but “behavioral activation” is frequently recommended in the course of treatment.  This means that a person needs to get “moving” and engage in activities they previously found of interest or that they might find interesting.  The person needs to do this whether they “feel” like it or not and they may not for some time, so perseverance is key.  Maybe what one used to enjoy is no longer available or they are not physically

- then the task is to take on the adventure of “stretching” and trying out different things with the end goal being the development of new interests.

Get some emotional and behavioral flexibility; find some balance in work and family; increase your social circulation; hold your head up (posture!); and increase your emotional energy (smile on purpose)!

Examples:

• Read a book/ Research a famous person of history
• Take a gym class/ yoga/ karate
• Attend a social function or sporting event
• Attend a church service
• Visit a museum
• Visit/ call a friend and offer encouragement
• Volunteer
• Cook a new recipe
• Take a college course/ audit a class
  

There are too many things to do to be bored or in a rut.  There are too many ways to add value to others and in so doing add value to yourself.

Happiness (it is impossible to be depressed when you are happy, by the way) is engaging in those activities that you find satisfying and meaningful.

Life is short!  It is meant to be lived! Carpe Diem!  Stretch yourself!

Presently much conversation is being made about suicide with the death of Robin Williams.  We often have difficulty understanding when from the outside we are looking in and it seems as though he had everything. Mental Illness/ substance use disorders, however, knows no socio-economical boundaries.  Mental Illness/ substance use disorders do not discriminate in favor of talented people. Mental Illness/ substance use disorders can affect anyone.

I am not a fan of the pharmaceutical company advertisements of psychotropic medications, but they do have it right about the pain of depression.  It hurts.  Anxiety is also a very painful experience.  It is highly common for both of these to occur together.  Additionally, it has long been reported that about half the people with substance use disorders also experience a diagnosable mental disorder and vice versa.

This is not the time for us spread more mystery, disbelief and shame thereby adding to the stigma that only adds to the loneliness and further discourages people from seeking treatment.  This is a time for us to get more aware that many of our fellow brothers and sisters are secretly suffering.  However, there are often signs to which we can pay attention: discontinuing engagement with friends and family (isolating), reduced interest in commonly enjoyed activities, talking about death/ suicide, telling people "good-bye", giving belongings away, hopelessness ("what's the use", "I am done", "nothing really matters anymore", "I don't matter"), increased substance use, increased anxiety (worry, panic, avoidant behavior), and even a general sense that someone you know is just not "right".

Even when you pay attention, you may miss it - after all, people often do a very good job of hiding and ultimately it is their responsibility to speak up and ask for help.  But asking for help is not easy, it actually takes great courage.  If it is you who is experiencing depression, anxiety and/or suicidal thoughts; speak up and seek help at the nearest Emergency Department.  If you do sense or notice that there may be something going on with someone else, your presence and concern can be invaluable.  Show your compassion.  TELL SOMEONE OF YOUR CONCERN!  Tell the person directly, a family member, a professional, school teacher, minister, etc.  You can be part of the solution.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK, which received over 1 million calls last year.

I was recently asked if I believed that people could change.  In a word?  Yes.

People will change.  The question is more, “Will a person make a meaningful change?” that brings about increased meaning and satisfaction in their life.  We people are generally motivated by a “what’s in it for us” perspective.  The trick is finding what that is.  This is not a “once and for all” destination, but a journey through life as the particulars may change throughout the lifespan.

When a person is able to see the benefit in a certain change or they experience circumstances that are undesirable, they generally are willing to expend some effort to make a change.  

From a spiritual standpoint, the closer one is to God and following His Word, the more satisfaction and meaning they will experience.

From a psychological standpoint, the more one recognizes their self-worth (see blog 06/03/2012) and uses it purposefully, the more satisfaction and meaning they will experience.

From a social standpoint, the more one understands and accepts their place in the world (whatever that looks like given one’s own preferences and values), the more satisfaction and meaning they will experience.  

Carl Rogers: “… the individual has within himself or herself vast resources for self-understanding, for altering his or her self-concept, attitudes and self-directed behavior - and that these resources can be tapped…."  

If I thought people could not change, I most certainly could not do this work.

People can and will change!  If you want to make a change, a safe environment and an understanding therapist may be a venue to begin that process.

What is it that drives us men?  We love to conquer!  To achieve!  To be admired by our women!  Do any of you recall those silly things you did as a kid, teenager or young adult to impress a girl? – okay maybe, we are still doing some of that!

We men do like for our ego massaged!  We want to feel powerful.  We want to achieve in our work.  We want to be competent and want to be seen by others as competent. We never seem to arrive, though.  We just keep striving.

Some of this is not so bad.  I am all for excellence in what you do and I still like to conquer and accomplish, but we have to be very careful not to link these desires (not needs) to our self-worth, because when we fail (and we will) and when we don’t get the admiration from our woman that we desire (and that will likely happen, too) or we get older and cannot do those things we used to do or we retire and loose that with which identified for so long; we can quickly find ourselves lacking confidence and thinking of ourselves and feeling basically worthless.  As long as things are going well or we have the admiration of our woman, we may not give it so much thought; but if we are honest with ourselves, we will likely admit that we have a thread of insecurity running through us.

Steve Harvey said, “But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably satisfied, and if they're doing anything less than that, they're not men.”

This is a high expectation.  If this is achievable, it does not often stay achieved.  Things will certainly change for us over the course of our lives.  We may find ourselves out of work, physically unable to do what we once could do, with dissatisfied people in our family where nothing is ever going to be good enough and if we have defined our self-worth based on all these being in place, then we are going to be in trouble – frustrated – depressed – certainly stressed.

ECC 2:21-23 21 For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. 22 What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? 23 All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless.

ECC 12:13 Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.

I am not sure we have done a good job within Behavioral Health to explain concepts of self-esteem and self-worth, because we often use them interchangeably as though they were the same thing and they are not.  Another word for “worth” is “value”.  So, the question becomes how am I valuable to myself?  How am I valuable to others?  We Christians desire to be valuable to others, right?  After all, the 2nd greatest commandment which is like unto the first is to love our neighbor as ourselves.  How we treat and what we do for others is an important way for us to demonstrate our love for God.  So, doing for our neighbor may be part of how we are valuable to ourselves, but it is not how we are valuable to ourselves.  Just because you love someone dearly and do for them in no way guarantees that they will treat you well in return – they might more often than not, but there is no guarantee.  They have choice in the matter.  People did not treat Jesus particularly well.  This can be discouraging and even demoralizing if we have attached our self-worth to pleasing someone else or attaining a certain accomplishment, position, etc.

We are created with the ability to choose.  In Deut 30:19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

Acts 16:30-31  30 He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

31 They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved…..

Colossians 3:12   Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

There is an implication of choice in these verses, so the first and most important and personally beneficial choice that we can make is for Christ and future choices involve our being obedient to Him.  Then we will be blessed.  We may suffer along the way as did Jesus, but we will be blessed from a spiritual perspective for sure.

Heb 11:6 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

We don’t often pay enough attention to the last part of that verse.  We will be better able to act out our faith when we know that there is reward coming (again, it may not be as the world would define reward).  Revelation was largely to encourage Christians being persecuted by letting them know that God will win in the end and his children will celebrate in that victory.

Another word for esteem is appreciation.  When we are able to appreciate what is our self-worth we are more likely to purposefully use it to make choices and refuse to live life on auto-pilot; therefore, we will have a better sense of ourselves in light of our relationship with Jesus.

Human beings are valuable to themselves in that they have the ability and responsibility to make choices that have the potential to benefit them. (No one else can make choices for you; therefore, this ability and responsibility cannot be measured or compared to other people.)


March 2009, the News Star reported that in Alexandria at Bolton High School, a couple of paintings which had been given to the school by the graduating class of 1917 sometime in the 1960’s and had been hanging in the Library for decades were noticed by someone who then suggested that they have them appraised.  These were paintings by Ellsworth Woodward who at one time was an instructor at Tulane at the turn of the 20th century.  These paintings were appraised for $150K each.  Now the question is – were the paintings worth anything less from one day before to the day after they were appraised/ was there any material difference in the paintings from one day to the next? Or were they just more appreciated after the appraisal.  They were esteemed more highly when someone recognized their worth.

Men, we need to recognize that our self-worth is not in the validation of others or our next accomplishment, but in our continual ability to make choices that have the potential to benefit us.

The continuous process is:

1. Love and Trust God
   
   
2. Prayerfully take stock of your present situation
   
   
3. Make a choice in obedience and faith and you will be rewarded – the more you purposefully use your self-worth, the more you will appreciate it.
   
   

Today, Men, I am calling on you to recognize your inherent worth given to you by the Creator of the Universe.  Regardless of your past, regardless of your present circumstances, you are being called upon this day to choose Christ and obedience and seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things (provisions or needs) will be added unto us (Matt 6:33).

And maybe this isn’t just for men!

Reconciliation is a process of restoring a relationship – bringing the parties back into a “right” relationship.  This is an often misunderstood concept, especially by those who like to think of themselves as moral.

Reconciliation involves forgiveness which is the letting go of the perceived right to punish or apply a sanction for a perceived wrong suffered.  An easy example is if I owe you $5 and you say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s fine!” I no longer owe you $5.  You have forgiven the debt.  In relationships, violations are not as concrete, but the principle still applies.  Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself and the other person(s).  You can forgive all by yourself and without an apology being offered.  Here is where the misunderstanding comes.  Often people think that they have not forgiven, if they have not reconciled; but the two processes are very different.

Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation involves both parties.  In order to restore a right relationship, the violating party has to apologize and commit to different behavior in the future.  Then it is possible for the wronged party to agree to renegotiate the relationship with a forgiving attitude.  Without the renegotiation the reconciliation is superficial and likely will not last as the two parties do not have an agreed upon standard of behavior which makes them more vulnerable to further conflict and disappointment.

Sometimes, there is a violation or series of violations that rise to the level of being a “deal breaker” in terms of reconciliation.  Take, for example, an employee who continually fails to follow policy.  That employee may apologize over and again, but at some point that employee will lose his opportunity to work in that business – forgiveness may occur, but reconciliation does not.  This can actually be a “loving” act, because otherwise the message is sent that it is okay to continually ignore policy.  By applying the sanction and deciding not to reconcile, you may be doing that person a favor by giving them the opportunity to learn a better pattern of work behavior.  Sometimes, once the two parties begin their negotiations, one may determine that they are unable to come to terms that are satisfactory.

So, just because one forgives, reconciliation does not have to happen.

There are many points of transition that come along in our lives.  Some are welcome where some not so much so!  Some we initiate where some just come our way.  In any case, transitions are inevitable.

That first day of school. Changing schools.  Getting a new teacher.  Moving to another town. Falling and breaking an arm.  Going to Middle School.  Getting into a club or organization where you may not know many people.  Trying out for a sports team – getting chosen, not getting chosen.  Going to High School.  Having a girlfriend or boyfriend – then losing a girlfriend or boyfriend.  Having a friend move away.  Grandparent dies.  Being elected as Class President or Captain of your team.  Going to college.  Getting a job.  Getting married.  Having children.  Losing a job.  Going back to school.  Getting another job.  Having grandchildren.  Retiring.

Life is full of transition!  This is a point of transition in my life where I am leaving state service where I have worked for over 31 years and now am planning to concentrate on my private practice.  I will officially begin that journey January 6, 2014.  It is not without some pain that I make this decision, but it is with great enthusiasm and anticipation (see blog of 12/24/12) that I make this transition – and I do see it more as a transition than “retirement”!  The timing finally seems right.

We can fight changes in our life or we can address them with the confidence that no matter our circumstance that we will survive and may even learn something along the way.  It largely depends on our attitude.  Use your self-worth (see blog of 06/03/12).  Consider your situation and make a choice with the knowledge that you can always make another, if things do not go as planned (see blog of 07/04/13).  Accepting that not every aspect may be to your liking will go a long way, but count your blessings.  You will feel better!

Today is Christmas Day and I write this as I await everyone else in the house to awake.  The timing was right for Jesus’ birth and what a transition that was for Mary and Joseph, but more importantly, the world.  The impact of His birth continues throughout history bringing peace and goodwill to mankind.  The World needed a Savior, He is Christ the Lord.  Glory and thanks be to God!